I haven't played poker in two weeks.  I haven't really had the urge or desire to play.  With that said, I am playing a  cash game tonight and the season 4 of the league starts tomorrow and I'm excited for that.  Honestly, I just haven't had that itch lately for anything.  I didn't join any fantasy football league, besides a free one with some work guys that requires no effort.  College football started last weekend, NFL this weekend and I'm not into it like I normally am.  Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to watch and follow it but from a gambling standpoint, its just not the same this year.  Part of it is for financial reasons which probably is contributing to the lack of desire.  I've always been a gambler but I've never really gambled over my head and lose money I couldn't lose.  This year, with my financial situation a little tighter than years past, I'm taking a cautious approach.  Don't worry, I'll still have my opinions and weekly conference calls with the guys but my financial units won't be what it was in the past. 

(Some things may not make sense and blend together but its whats on my mind as is)

I've spent the last little while reminiscing about my life.  Things I've done, didn't do, should have done, what ifs, etc, etc, etc.  Maybe its because I'm approaching the 30 mark and its probably natural to reflect.  I've come to realize that from about 17 to my early 20s, my life was kind of in a turmoil state.  My father passed away shortly after I turned 17 and it had a real effect on myself and my family.  It left me, my brother, and mom in a state of not knowing anything.  Growing up as a kid, you get a sense of comfort within your family.  That was lost for me.  I'm not saying thats the sole reason but it definitely effected a lot of things from that point on.  Growing up on the poorer side, you don't really plan for death financially.  I wanted to go away for college but decided to stay close to home to help my mom out.  My mom was already working tons and now becoming a single income earner, well, you can imagine the burden.  My brother was still fairly young, only 11.  We had a good relationship growing up, being brothers and doing stupid brother things.  As I got into my middle/high school years I went and did my teenager things and so forth.  When he was about to enter into those years was when our dad passed.  It left me with a personal delimna of being a brother and a father figure that I know I didn't handle well and it had a effect on our relationship.  We still had our good times but there were so many situations that I handled wrong because, honestly, I didn't know how to handle them.  I think we have a great relationship now, but there were definitely hard times. 

There were so many things going on that it was really chaotic.  I was going to college with no sense of direction of what I wanted to be or who I was.  I went from being an A student to a C student in college, getting put on probation twice for grades.  I would constantly have no motivation to go to class or to learn, period.  I was antisocial, rarely engaging in conversation with others or try to meet new people.  My personal relationship with my girlfriend at the time was unproductive, constantly getting in fights, but yet we stayed together for 2 years.  When we did finally break up, I crawled into a shell and became distant.  There was a time period where I wanted to move, just get away.  Go somewhere where no one knew who I was and just let me be.  But a part of me knew I shouldn't and that my mom needed me here.  Mentally, I became stuck in this box of emptiness.  I quit going to college because I saw no point even though I was about a year away from graduating.  I never took advantages of opportunities with internships or anything of that sort.  Even when I met Leana I put the burdens of my past relationships on her which was unfair.  I want to say everybody goes through something like this in their life. 

Fast forward to today and I can honestly say I am happy.  You can't change the past.  You can only do things now for today and for the future.  My relationship with my mom and brother are great.  I have a wonderful wife and a beautiful daughter.  I know whatever happens that I will always have my family.  It doesn't matter what I accomplish in life if I can't share it with the ones I love.  Everything in life is better shared. 

TK